I’m admittedly a bit of what some might call a “foodie.” That
said, I like to qualify this by calling myself an unpretentious foodie. I
appreciate all food from cheap eats to fine dining: if it tastes good, I’m in.
In my short time here, I’ve already had a number of
memorable culinary experiences, none of them Emerati (exactly what Emerati cuisine is seems to be a
question that no one really knows the answer to). One of my co-workers also fancies
himself a foodie, so he’s been kind enough to invite me along on a number of
his excursions in the past few weeks, including his birthday a mere 4 days after
we had met. As it turns out, it’s been among my most memorable food experiences
to date.
He selected a Chinese restaurant, which I was told was known
around town for two things 1)its fairly authentic Szechuan cuisine and 2) the
fact that it serves alcohol without a license, and disguises their illegitimate
dealing by serving beer in teapots. (and 2a, serving as some sort of Chinese
government front, but I’ll leave those speculations for another time).
I arrived with a couple of other co-workers, at which point
we were hustled away from the main entrance of the restaurant, back outside and
into a large room with a separate entrance, complete with one of the largest
round tables and undoubtedly the largest
lazy Susan I’ve ever seen. As people
started to filter in, someone took the liberty of ordering some Tsingtao, which
disappointingly did not arrive in teapots (why will soon become clear), but was
rather unceremoniously placed on the lazy Suzan. At this point, a couple key details of the evening emerged:
1)
The Lazy Susan was motorized, and thus never stopped moving. Once the food
came around, this made the dining experience a test of timing, as you had to a)assess
what a dish might be b) decide if you wanted it c) attempt to quickly dump some
food on your plate, which occasionally involved trying to pick up slippery
objects with chopsticks and d) return the serving utensil, all in about a 10
second window. People’s success rate was directly proportional to chopstick
skill and number of beers consumed.
2) The beer was warm. And I don’t mean room temperature, I
mean, actually warm to the touch. We asked for ice, which apparently wasn’t
available. They seemed just as confused about our request for as we were that
they had served us warm beer.
3) The
reason the beer did not have to be in teapots was because the restaurant staff
actually locked us in and pulled the
curtains, thereby disguising our illicit activity and making our party seem
infinitely more sketchy.
I can’t tell you most of what I ate and never even saw a
menu, but I can tell you that the food was good (though oily), and definitely
different than the American Chinese food most of us are used to – no sweet and
sour chicken or chow mein here. (*update*
I have since been back, and these items are indeed on the menu, in a
section labeled, “non-Chinese food”) The birthday boy also ordered a couple of
bottle of baiju – the only other alcoholic beverage available aside from warm
Tsingtao – which is a Chinese hard liquor that I think is safe to say tastes terrible. At some point, a
couple guys at the table thought it would be a good idea to recreate a sake
bomb with baiju and Tsingtao – jury is still out on whether this was actually a
good idea (I did not partake). But what did
seem like an excellent idea after a
few rounds was karaoke, which at some point we discovered the room was equipped
with. Of course, selecting a song involved paging through many, many, many
Chinese pop songs until you finally found a song that someone (sort of) knew,
in some cases was set to completely the wrong speed, and in all cases included
a bizarre Chinese music video that had nothing to do with the song itself.
While this is all happening, people had been going in and
outside for a smoke, and the wait staff would close and lock the door behind
each time. I had not been keeping track of this activity much until suddenly it
became clear the door was stuck. Several
of our group members had tried unsuccessfully to open it, and next thing you
know, 2-3 Chinese women are pulling with their full weight on the handle of the
door, which of course then became completely detached from the door and sent
them flying. Meanwhile, one of the party attendees had wandered into a hallway
looking for the restroom, and had come back riding a bike, which he proceeded
to ride in circles around the room.
I think it was somewhere around this time that we decided it
would probably be a good idea to head elsewhere.
I could tell you about the rest of the night, and the other “good”
ideas we had (of COURSE we should make a limbo stick out of straws!) but
really, our backroom Chinese meal is what I’ll remember for years to come…
